Hi guys.

It's been a long while since i've updated my life on blogger. Well it doesn't actually matter much anyways because no one does th blogging thing anymore isn't it?

Anyways, after my birthday i've got a job over at tss and i kinda regret not working there earlier cause i could have meet some people earlier and earn more money earlier.

You know sometimes in life things just suddenly takes a bad turn. No one know when it will be and when it happens, it really does. No turning back. No more th same anymore.
Life's a bitch honestly. Well perhaps not exactly. Maybe i'm just that bitch in th life. Or is it?
I just realized that my life ain't a importance in anyone's life. Seriously. No one really bothered about me, no one truly cares.
When you decided to leave and when things happened, only then they will start asking. But that's only for th sake of asking or they just want to be updated with what happened. And then they only gave that damn 1% one time effort to do it. Then GONE WITH TH WIND. How fascinating people can be. Then as they claimed, they can't be bothered with their actions. Nono.
You don't feel them missing you, doing th best to have you back or-- having any differences in their life after your departure. Now that's when and where you know your stand. Oh well coming to a circle, th conclusion is just : YOU'RE AIN'T SOMEONE.

How do you feel falling in love again?

I don't know. My past sucks.

So i feel like a little girl all over again right now or just because i met someone new and i'm curious and fascinated by him.
But then there's another friend who can stir th butterflies in my stomach after we left each other.

I don't know. 'Feeling' is just a ... wonderful thing yet torturous because you don't know how th other feel about you and you're just over there being silly, not knowing what to do now or next, to proceed with th feeling or just let it die because you suddenly feel that you're ain't worth for anyone.

Okay. All this just took me a while to blog. Thoughts run fast.

Anyways, there is this twitter guy who is making me .. say, curious about him? He's like friendly and stuffs. However he doesn't seem to have a picture of him anywhere online and this sucks because i wouldn't know if i've seen him on th streets or what and worst is he has so many followers and following i feel that i wouldn't catch his attention.

Oh there you go . Hormones raging.

So i've done a few sketches and a painting. Well done peiyi.

Okay. You've got to brace up. It's alright if people doesn't makes you a priority in life when you did because now that you've know they ain't worth having you, not because you are bad but because they are undeserving to have th best of you.

Adios.

There you go, I'm finally 18. Oh well, talking about th 'anticipation'. Ha-ha-ha.

It wasn't really a hyped up birthday but i really thank those who sincerely spent th day with me despite all.

All i'm waiting for is to start school.

Life's normal before and after 18.

Well, i'm just a normal girl.

It's only th 13 (which was just about 4 hours ago) i was having a advanced birthday meal treat from th girls.
I am happy.
As i think about it, I'm really that happy to be just surrounded by th people whom i love. I enjoy their company. It's just great to be sitting amongst th group, listening to their horrendous laughter, updating into their personal or work life and just teasing one another with out little inner joke and sometimes here and there we just trample one another with our insults(with love).

Just a month or so ago, i was in nadir and was really desperate to get a break from everything. I was really depressed. And there i go having suicidal thoughts - th easiest but stupidest way to break 'free'.

Anyways, i just finish all my paper work just 2 days ago and i'm now officially a NAFA student. Definitely looking forward to school. Though it wasn't part of my plan or expectation that i'd get into this (priv) school, but i'm still glad i could enter this school instead of ITE.
Well, poly is def th first choice but i just couldn't enter it because i failed math and that is my bad. ITE is good, but it just don't have what i wanted. Anyhow, i failed math, that's why. No matter how good my other results is, math is a criteria. And i suffered for what i've given for my 'O's.
Looking forward to proving people wrong - Grades doesn't define who you are, what you're capable of. It's what you are on th inside that counts. And if you failed th society expectations of a certain requirement, that doesn't mean you failed your own talents. You just have to work double hard to achieve something that you're different in.

It's th 14 now and there's 3 more days to my birthday.

I'm not that excited actually. Rather than having people wishing me 'happy birthday', i'd prefer a long testimony of who i am in their eyes, what i've done for them etc. Well that's what you're born for ain't it? To have a purpose in this world, to change people because of what you gave on th outside because of what you are on th inside. It's all about giving. Not just receiving.

Life is short. Life is unexpected.

There's just a minor amount of people who're envious of what you have achieved or capable of achieving. And there they go backstabbing you, being all hypocritical turning faces here and there. Th words that you hear about really just hurt you so badly and sometimes you just think that once your existence is gone, there'll be th end of misery both end. Then i thought again. No. I'm gonna prove them wrong. They're gonna be sorry for what they said. "If you're not here for my failure, i don't expect you to be here for my success too". I love this quote.
In my despair and desperation you were such a wet blanket. One end you said this is th fucking world, th reality and that you cared, th other end i don't see you doing anything to back your 'love' that you claimed. In your failure i'm not gonna say anything, i'm not gonna do anything, although things might change and i might help you, but i'm pretty sure that during my success i don't want you to be in th crowd.

It's been a long run. I'm turning 18 soon.

I used to be such a little girl, and now in a blink of an eye i'm 18. Time sure flies. All th things that happened, they're really precious and i'm so glad it actually happened.

Life is good. God is good.

Speaking of God, i miss Him. It's all these i'm fighting and struggling against. I'll be strong.
I know if everyone else turns against me, He won't. He's th truth, th light th way.

Goodnight.

Help i'm broken and i'm struggling w all th stress i'm receiving now. I'm struggling w suicidal thoughts. Some weeks back i was on th verge of going to th nearby park and taking th pills.
I'm struggling to cope.
And tonight i'm struggling w th thoughts of slitting.
There is a turnabout right?

Everything is so hard to cope. I can't even open my heart without being reprimanded for - either ways.

Whatever i do doesn't seem right at all to some people.

Whatever my plans is, no one seem to support.

And if you're or anyone's reading this, pray for me. Let me be stronger.

Let me feel that i'm wanted. Let me feel hope from around me. Let me live not just for th sake of it.

I can't deal w things at home.
I can't deal w things within my heart.
I can't deal w things in my mind.

Help. I'm fighting between being alive and dead.

Help. I want to live, but i want to die too. Because it seems that my existence is a regret to some people. A burden. A thorn.

Help.